Annus Horribilis

To quote a friend. The past year really wasn't the year I intended to have when I started out. And I chose not to write about it, not to journal it, not to blog it, not to do anything about it at the time. It was a little too much, too real, too close. But now I have had time and am thinking I shall -- in dribs and drabs -- write about the year that was. It seems wrong to completely ignore a time that has completely overthrown my world. Some will be reflection, some will be merely a retelling of all the crap that made up that year.

So, here goes a little bit.

Wednesday, January 21st, I went to the hospital with my father. When we went in to see the doctor, there were two nurses in the room with him, which was my first hint something wasn't right. Up until then, there had only ever been one nurse.

The doctor told me I had a small cell carcinoma in my lung. Cancer. My first thought was that I have never smoked, that couldn't be right. The only person in my family who never smoked. And I am the one with lung cancer. He explained the course of treatment, and explained that it is pretty much the same anywhere in the world, and that no, it wasn't operable. That particular piece of information was disturbing, as I had talked to a lung doctor who explained what usually happens with lung cancer, which includes surgery. I didn't really find out why they don't do surgery until after I was back home.

So I had a choice to make -- stay in Japan and go through treatment while hospitalized, or go back to Canada and do it there. If I stayed in Japan, my family would have come to help and support me, but the idea of having to take care of them while also having to take care of me was too much. After a couple of days of thinking and getting things sorted for a return and treatment back in Canada, I decided to go home.

Everything was just so surreal. It took me a while to really grasp what was happening. That I could even have lung cancer. And I don't think it helps that no one can tell me why or what caused it. But it seems that the place I chose to make my home was essentially trying to kill me. Happy days.

I got back to Canada and started to learn about small cell carcinomas. I never looked it up on the internet, which a friend did, who then had a breakdown in front of her computer. I imagine it is a good thing I never looked it up as I suspect the descriptions tend towards the dire. I know the information I got leant towards the dire.

Small cell carcinoma is not the "good" kind of cancer to get. It is aggressive and spreads rapidly to other parts of the body. It is usually found (85% of cases) too late to do anything other than pain management. It starts in the lungs and usually grows rapidly there, and quickly spreads to other parts of your body, even getting into the brain. The reason it is inoperable is related to its aggression. Apparently it is known to even spread to the surgeons hands. Fun stuff. Generally, it is found in very heavy smokers in their 50s, or older.

I have been informed many times that my case is unique in so many ways, and I really wish it weren't. I would so give anything to have been ordinary and normal. But if I am going to be special, hey, may as well go full throttle!

I was lucky in that my tumor grew in the bronchus, rather than the lung proper. This caused me pain, and eventually a cough which had me going to and from various doctors for months to try and locate the cause. If it had been in the lung proper, I would never have known until it was too late. So mine was able to be found early. My oncologist here said he had never seen it found so early, and so small. Small mercies I guess.

It's hard to be grateful for these little blessings though. Very hard. How do you get happy about cancer in any way, shape, or form?